Ace of Hearts
Ollister Wade
Ollister Wade
1.
What it means to be young and queer is
My heart cannot remain on my sleeve
(for it has been there for too long already,
and too many have found the vulnerable,
pulsating flesh
the perfect place to cause me injury)
But it no longer belongs in my chest
What it means to be young and queer is
That I must flatten the organ (between
2 tomes:
Stone Butch Blues
&
The Collected Writings of Robert Duncan)
into a symbol
What it means to be young and queer is
When all my cards have been hidden up my sleeve
When there are no surface vulnerabilities left
Will I be allowed to be young and queer and
and -?
Will I be able to allow myself that?
2.
I want to sleep next to you,
not with you, (at least not yet,
though I don’t dare think that far ahead,
because I really don’t know -
if I’ll ever want to do that)
I dream of the intimacy of sharing a bed,
to stroke your hair splayed across a pillow
Perhaps, (if I’m feeling brave,
if a queer courage overtakes me)
to interlace our fingers
before drifting off into slumber
the state in which I am most vulnerable
that’s what’s so electrifying -
I want to be vulnerable
Intimate
With you
3.
Should I tell you?
That I’m writing something
for you -
to you?
4.
So I am writing this
Instead of texting you
Suppressing the urge to confess
How I would like to hold your hand
Or sleep with my head on your chest
Falling unconscious to the rhythm
of your heartbeat
&
of your breath
&
of you
As I drift off to sleep alone
I imagine that our backs are to each other
And you are just out of reach
That your body heat is just too far away to warm me
5.
In a drunken condition (on liquor or love,
if I dare to call this that,
though I suppose it doesn’t matter
which caused my state of intoxication)
I have puked up a confession
(And deleted it before you could respond)
Showing you all the cards
I had hidden up my sleeve
What it means to be young and queer is
My heart cannot remain on my sleeve
(for it has been there for too long already,
and too many have found the vulnerable,
pulsating flesh
the perfect place to cause me injury)
But it no longer belongs in my chest
What it means to be young and queer is
That I must flatten the organ (between
2 tomes:
Stone Butch Blues
&
The Collected Writings of Robert Duncan)
into a symbol
What it means to be young and queer is
When all my cards have been hidden up my sleeve
When there are no surface vulnerabilities left
Will I be allowed to be young and queer and
and -?
Will I be able to allow myself that?
2.
I want to sleep next to you,
not with you, (at least not yet,
though I don’t dare think that far ahead,
because I really don’t know -
if I’ll ever want to do that)
I dream of the intimacy of sharing a bed,
to stroke your hair splayed across a pillow
Perhaps, (if I’m feeling brave,
if a queer courage overtakes me)
to interlace our fingers
before drifting off into slumber
the state in which I am most vulnerable
that’s what’s so electrifying -
I want to be vulnerable
Intimate
With you
3.
Should I tell you?
That I’m writing something
for you -
to you?
4.
So I am writing this
Instead of texting you
Suppressing the urge to confess
How I would like to hold your hand
Or sleep with my head on your chest
Falling unconscious to the rhythm
of your heartbeat
&
of your breath
&
of you
As I drift off to sleep alone
I imagine that our backs are to each other
And you are just out of reach
That your body heat is just too far away to warm me
5.
In a drunken condition (on liquor or love,
if I dare to call this that,
though I suppose it doesn’t matter
which caused my state of intoxication)
I have puked up a confession
(And deleted it before you could respond)
Showing you all the cards
I had hidden up my sleeve
//
Ollister Wade is a non-binary, queer writer from Upstate New York. Wade is studying writing at Pratt Institute and will be graduating in 2023. They are a passionate creative, focusing their energy on poetry and short fiction, who posts weekly pieces of poetry on their Instagram, @poemsbyollister.
Ollister Wade is a non-binary, queer writer from Upstate New York. Wade is studying writing at Pratt Institute and will be graduating in 2023. They are a passionate creative, focusing their energy on poetry and short fiction, who posts weekly pieces of poetry on their Instagram, @poemsbyollister.