Lesbianism As A Monstrous Identity: A Personal Narrative And An Analysis of My Favorite Thing Is Monsters by Emil Ferris
Emily Todd
Emily Todd
When I first came out to my family and friends, I received almost no immediate backlash.I was lucky that way. Sure, a few kids started whispering in the halls and calling me names, but my safety was never actually threatened, and I still had a home. I was lucky. Even once things started to go downhill, I still considered myself lucky. When my dad became convinced I had mental health issues because of my sexuality, I was lucky. When he reported me to my school for being suicidal (which I wasn't), I was lucky. When he yelled at me in my therapist's office about how I was crazy, and how I had everyone tricked but him, I was lucky. He never touched me. When he kicked me out, I had my mom's house to go back to. When I lost friends and an entire side of my family, I had people who still stood by my side, and weren't open or aggressive in their homophobia. I was lucky. After all, I didn't end up dead or beaten or traumatized. Besides, what else could I expect? To be a lesbian is to go against all of society, to go against nature, to go against what I was supposed to be... of course some people took the news badly.
I don't actually think like that anymore, that I deserve any homophobia directed at me, or that I am lucky just because other people had it worse. I used to, though. I used to believe all of that and more, since society not only convinced me that being a lesbian is monstrous, but that complaining about mistreatment and homophobia was somehow even worse.
I don't actually think like that anymore, that I deserve any homophobia directed at me, or that I am lucky just because other people had it worse. I used to, though. I used to believe all of that and more, since society not only convinced me that being a lesbian is monstrous, but that complaining about mistreatment and homophobia was somehow even worse.
It is a common theme throughout history, and even through recent times, for lesbians to deal with internalized homophobia, and to consider themselves and their sexuality predatory, gross, or otherwise monstrous. A large part of lesbian culture is combatting this by emphasizing the lovely, soft, human aspects of lesbianism, as seen in lesbian music, poetry, and even internet seen in lesbian music, poetry, and even internet memes. Despite trying to avoid this process of viewing themselves as bad or unnatural, it is still a common experience among many lesbians, especially young ones who are still figuring out themselves and their sexualities. Society shows lesbians in media very rarely, and when they can be found, they are either very sexualized (for men's benefit), or their sexuality is predatory and creepy. Either way, being a lesbian is not shown as a legitimate sexuality, but the punchline of every joke. Young lesbians growing up only hearing the word "lesbian” spoken with a twinge of disgust or mocking creates internalized issues that it can take years to work through. Often, young lesbian love which is just as innocent and immature as any straight relationships at that age is seen as mature, creepy, and sexualized.
As I was once the 13-year-old girl finally starting to confront that her feelings for her female best friend may be more than just platonic, I see a lot of my own life in the storyline in My Favorite Thing is Monsters which follows
As I was once the 13-year-old girl finally starting to confront that her feelings for her female best friend may be more than just platonic, I see a lot of my own life in the storyline in My Favorite Thing is Monsters which follows
10-year-old Karen as she copes with her developing feelings for her best friend Missy, and figures out what to do about them. When I was in eighth grade, I had a best friend named Cheyenne. We texted constantly, and talked into the night often. One night (August 26th, 2014), we were texting about something random when I suddenly had the urge to tell her that I had a crush on her -- surprising myself and her, as I had never allowed myself to closely examine my feelings for her, or any other girl. Those feelings had always been there, but I was so scared of them that I had repressed them for years. The conversation and "relationship" which followed my revelation were shaky and inexperienced, like many of the interactions between Karen and her best friend and crush Missy. For example, they would have sleepovers and Karen always "wanted to put one of those "Sir Francis Drakey-Type' kisses very gentle on [Missy's] hand but (she] always chickened out" (Ferris). This young, naive love is as innocent and human as love can be, but it is still painted as monstrous, both in real life and in the graphic novel. In Karen's story, Missy's mom gets worked up and upset after Missy just asks if women can get married to each other at all -- she sees lesbianism as such an inappropriate and damaging topic that she can't stand her daughter even knowing of its existence.
Homophobia like the prejudice displayed by Missy's mom has been a constant in my life, from how I saw other gay people treated, to, eventually, how I was treated. When I was very young, I had a babysitter who was openly a lesbian, but I didn't find this out until years after the fact, as my dad had thought I was too young to know this, at 10 years old. I had already had my first crush on a girl, but it was inappropriate for me to know that my female babysitter had a girlfriend. Once I was older and out to most everyone around me, I became the one instructed to keep my sexuality hidden while around young kids, since it would be a bad influence on them to be myself.
Homophobia like the prejudice displayed by Missy's mom has been a constant in my life, from how I saw other gay people treated, to, eventually, how I was treated. When I was very young, I had a babysitter who was openly a lesbian, but I didn't find this out until years after the fact, as my dad had thought I was too young to know this, at 10 years old. I had already had my first crush on a girl, but it was inappropriate for me to know that my female babysitter had a girlfriend. Once I was older and out to most everyone around me, I became the one instructed to keep my sexuality hidden while around young kids, since it would be a bad influence on them to be myself.
Throughout my exploration of my sexuality, I absolutely have considered myself monstrous, for merely liking girls. Having a sexuality which deviates from the norm is demonized and punished in our current society, and it was even more so in earlier time periods, such as the 60's, when the graphic novel takes place. This demonization forces many people to either fight very hard to prove their humanity, to others as well as themselves, or to give in to, and sometimes embrace, their monsterization. Karen accepts and further the monstrous light which is cast upon her, although she is demonized for not only her sexuality, but also her ethnic background, class, and more. Even though she embraces her monstrosity and uses it as a coping mechanism, it still seems to hurt her more than empower her in the end. She is near incapable of letting go of her monstrous mask, only showing her actual face in a single panel in the entire novel. While I have also seen myself and my sexuality as monstrous, I never found it a comforting or helpful coping mechanism, which Karen seemed to think it was.
Since I first came out in 8th grade, I have taken a lot of time to become confident in my sexuality. I now am glad to call myself a lesbian and I find comfort in that term. However, I could have found this comfort a lot sooner, and escaped my self-hatred a lot sooner, had I not been forced by those around me into seeing my sexuality as monstrous. Seeing my love for girls as a bad, disgusting thing only held me back, as unlike Karen, I did not love monsters. I was not able to find a place to feel like I belong within the realm of the monstrous, it was just scary and upsetting. I wasn't able to call myself a lesbian without qualms until senior year of high school, almost five years after I first came out. I still have days where I can't quite bring myself to tell someone new that I like girls, but those days happen less and less often as time passes. I've now been out for well over five years, and feel at home in my sexuality. Despite being secure in my identity, however, I still see myself in Karen. Her story is one of every young gay girl who is struggling to come out in a world that seems to hate us. It's a story of being told you're a monster for simply being who you are, and a story of believing it because you've been told it so many times.
Since I first came out in 8th grade, I have taken a lot of time to become confident in my sexuality. I now am glad to call myself a lesbian and I find comfort in that term. However, I could have found this comfort a lot sooner, and escaped my self-hatred a lot sooner, had I not been forced by those around me into seeing my sexuality as monstrous. Seeing my love for girls as a bad, disgusting thing only held me back, as unlike Karen, I did not love monsters. I was not able to find a place to feel like I belong within the realm of the monstrous, it was just scary and upsetting. I wasn't able to call myself a lesbian without qualms until senior year of high school, almost five years after I first came out. I still have days where I can't quite bring myself to tell someone new that I like girls, but those days happen less and less often as time passes. I've now been out for well over five years, and feel at home in my sexuality. Despite being secure in my identity, however, I still see myself in Karen. Her story is one of every young gay girl who is struggling to come out in a world that seems to hate us. It's a story of being told you're a monster for simply being who you are, and a story of believing it because you've been told it so many times.
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Emily Todd is a 19 year old sophomore attending Canisius College in Upstate New York. They are studying Psychology, with minors in Women and Gender Studies and History. Emily has been published multiple times in their highschool’s literary magazine. They spend their time doing crafts, baking, and writing.
Emily Todd is a 19 year old sophomore attending Canisius College in Upstate New York. They are studying Psychology, with minors in Women and Gender Studies and History. Emily has been published multiple times in their highschool’s literary magazine. They spend their time doing crafts, baking, and writing.