Rotating Brain
Abby Knudsen
Abby Knudsen
the first jolt happened while i watched her on a paddleboard.
a clockwise rotation of brain inside skull,
the shock of it unbalanced me into the lake. drenched and disoriented,
i listened to her laugh at me and found my breath while
brain mesh pressed firmly against skull, painful with pressure.
that night, realizations induced a few more degrees of rotation,
brain pulsing in discomfort with head pressed between pillows.
maybe I wasn’t incapable of love, after all? a simple mistake--
affection misguided instead of absent? but still,
i punched my temples with fists, trying to stop the spinning.
as it twisted, the past begged to be reinterpreted, analyzed--
her careful hands braiding my hair, mine shaking nervously.
staring at girls across classrooms and envying boys.
aesthetic interest, favorite films, mysterious allure.
yet i never thought to consider why.
every day for months, small realizations produced rotations
accompanied with the pain of an elliptical brain always molded,
which flattened even further against the skull through the halfway point.
i became embarrassed by thoughts only i could hear and
disgusted by their supposed unnatural implications.
the changing brain’s discomfort echoed between ears like unending
white noise and played a constant loop of hypothetical confessions
to those who spoke of divine design and eternal truths.
a haunting dread that this was only the beginning of asking
questions with no answers and entering an unsolvable predicament.
the present began processing newly in the shifting brain--
my lungs constricting as we lay staring at the stars in the front seat
of her car—her rambling about boys while i stared at her,
wanting to kiss her and this time consciously knowing it. but still,
i had already grieved the impossibility of her reciprocation.
some part of me still scolded imagination and claimed
the pain to be my own delusion or a childish explanation.
but then she held my hand to teach me to spin on rollerskates,
and the brain made its final rotation, a snap into forward placement.
while we spun the pain dissolved, and clarity settled in, undeniable.
a clockwise rotation of brain inside skull,
the shock of it unbalanced me into the lake. drenched and disoriented,
i listened to her laugh at me and found my breath while
brain mesh pressed firmly against skull, painful with pressure.
that night, realizations induced a few more degrees of rotation,
brain pulsing in discomfort with head pressed between pillows.
maybe I wasn’t incapable of love, after all? a simple mistake--
affection misguided instead of absent? but still,
i punched my temples with fists, trying to stop the spinning.
as it twisted, the past begged to be reinterpreted, analyzed--
her careful hands braiding my hair, mine shaking nervously.
staring at girls across classrooms and envying boys.
aesthetic interest, favorite films, mysterious allure.
yet i never thought to consider why.
every day for months, small realizations produced rotations
accompanied with the pain of an elliptical brain always molded,
which flattened even further against the skull through the halfway point.
i became embarrassed by thoughts only i could hear and
disgusted by their supposed unnatural implications.
the changing brain’s discomfort echoed between ears like unending
white noise and played a constant loop of hypothetical confessions
to those who spoke of divine design and eternal truths.
a haunting dread that this was only the beginning of asking
questions with no answers and entering an unsolvable predicament.
the present began processing newly in the shifting brain--
my lungs constricting as we lay staring at the stars in the front seat
of her car—her rambling about boys while i stared at her,
wanting to kiss her and this time consciously knowing it. but still,
i had already grieved the impossibility of her reciprocation.
some part of me still scolded imagination and claimed
the pain to be my own delusion or a childish explanation.
but then she held my hand to teach me to spin on rollerskates,
and the brain made its final rotation, a snap into forward placement.
while we spun the pain dissolved, and clarity settled in, undeniable.
//
Abby Knudsen is a sophomore at Brigham Young University where she is studying Editing & Publishing with a minor in Creative Writing. Her passions include admiring the old books at her job in the university library archives, spending all her extra money on new books (which she always reads eventually), and, lately, knitting.
Abby Knudsen is a sophomore at Brigham Young University where she is studying Editing & Publishing with a minor in Creative Writing. Her passions include admiring the old books at her job in the university library archives, spending all her extra money on new books (which she always reads eventually), and, lately, knitting.